It’s Been a Year Since I Gave Birth
Here are some reflections (and critiques) on my experience with "natural childbirth"
This time last year, I was preparing for what I thought would be a beautiful, natural childbirth experience. I spent hours upon hours researching, planning, reading. I listened to my Hypnobabies meditations on repeat and did all the poses from Spinning Babies.
I bounced on my yoga ball, curb walked around the block, and whispered to my baby girl that I was ready. Waiting was getting tough, but I was sure (as the natural childbirth “experts” claim) that baby would make her entrance on her own time.
I reviewed my birth plan, packed and repacked the hospital bags, loaded the car seat in the car. Any day now.
But once we approached the 41-week mark, I started to doubt that baby would come on her own. So, against my doula’s wishes, I opted for a membrane sweep in hopes that it would jump-start labor so that I could avoid an induction. (After talking with my doctor and doing my own research, I was not comfortable with continuing my pregnancy beyond 41 weeks due to increased risks of complications following that point).
It worked, sort-of. I landed in the hospital the next day after experiencing regular contractions.
“It’s happening!” I texted my family and a few close friends from the passenger seat on the way to the hospital. I was nervous, but more excited than anything. I believed wholeheartedly that “my body was made for this” and that everything would go swimmingly. In a matter of hours, I would cross the threshold into motherhood and hold my baby girl in my arms for the first time.
But boy, was I wrong. Nothing happened how I envisioned it would. In fact, my entire birth plan went out the window. And it’s not because the “big bad medical community” pushed me into interventions that I didn’t want. No, it’s because my baby was ACTUALLY stuck, and she needed a lot of help getting out.
After her gnarly birth, one of the nurses told me “I just want you to know how strong you are. Not many people could have done what you did. You are so strong.”
Everyone, including the doctor, echoed her sentiments.
But still, I felt like a failure. I got the epidural (along with other pain medication before that) and I needed Pitocin because my labor stalled. Then, Margo’s head was delivered via vacuum assistance, but her shoulders were still stuck (known as shoulder dystocia) which lead to a plethora of physical maneuvers from the doctor in order to extract her from my pelvis. When she finally emerged, she wasn’t breathing. After a few minutes of resuscitation and jostling, she began to cry and was whisked off to the nursery for more monitoring. Meanwhile, my 3rd degree tear was getting stitched up and I was still in shock from the pain I had just endured. Needless to say, all of those picture-perfect early moments and the “golden hour” with my new family did not come to pass.
Why did this happen? I did everything “right.” It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
After her birth, I immediately sought answers. Could I have prevented this? The general consensus from the natural childbirth community seemed to be yes. was that yes, yes I could have. I could have done more poses to get her in a better position, tried more natural supplements, refused medication, given her more time to come down on her own, etc.
I felt so much shame. Even though my body had just conquered an incredible feat, I felt shame for needing so much help.
If my body was made for this, then why did it go so wrong? What was wrong with me? Was I really that impatient? Was there something wrong with my body?
Now that almost a year has passed, I know the answer to those questions is that nothing was my fault, and I did a fantastic job of bringing my baby into the world. But as a new mom who was scared and traumatized, these questions ate at me. On top of taking care of my newborn, I was beating myself up for things that happened that were beyond my control.
Something that natural childbirth proponents fail to mention is that dying in childbirth is also a “natural” outcome. Before modern medicine, it happened quite often. Additionally, conditions like macrosomia, shoulder dystocia, preeclampsia, placenta previa, placental abruption, AFE, stillbirth, etc. all happen NATURALLY. This is why obstetrics came to be, and it’s why hospitals are the safest place to deliver a baby. I know many people disagree, but in my case and in so many others, unforeseen complications would have meant death to my baby and possibly myself.
Hospitals, doctors and nurses have a reason for everything they do. It’s called “preventative care,” because childbirth is dangerous. I’ve seen many people re-post this line on social media: “Childbirth is not an emergency.” But guess what? MINE WAS. And there’s no way to know for sure beforehand whether or not it will be. The illusion that women have nothing to fear when giving birth is harmful. I was completely blindsided by all of the things that could go wrong. The gulf between my expectations for my birth and the reality of my experience left me feeling lost and bewildered.
Natural childbirth claims to be empowering, but I walked away feeling not only dis-empowered, but ashamed.
The power that we have as mothers is the power to choose. Glorifying certain choices while demonizing others is not empowering. It’s manipulative, humiliating, and flat-out false.
Childbirth seems to have become another battleground, another arena in which people are forced to choose sides. There is no middle ground. There is no reaching across the aisle, trying to see things from a different point of view. There are two different interpretations of “the research,” two different education systems, and two different sets of facts. And truly, that is a damn shame.
I have so much more to share about all of this - about the roots of natural childbirth (which are intertwined with the anti-vax movement), about how choosing to go unmedicated has become part of the “mom olympics,” and all the reasons why I won’t hire a doula again (or recommend them to my friends). I hope to share more soon, as I believe these are important conversations to have. Thank you for reading. If you know someone who feels disappointed or guilty about their birth experience, please share this with them!
Your story resonates with me a lot. I had a traumatic birth and post-birth experience with my third baby (and even with my first when I had a “plan” for a natural birth, read all the books, took the class, hired the doula, I ended up with a surprise breech baby at 41 weeks that resulted in a cesarean section).
None of my birth experiences have gone according to my plan and it has been a journey to let go of the expectations I had, and honestly is still a journey.
With my third being a traumatic birth, I was a bit caught off guard that on his first birthday, I was still holding onto a lot of that trauma in my body, and it was like somehow my body knew the anniversary of that experience was approaching, and it was hard. I know we all experience things so differently, so that might be different from your experience, but whatever it is, try to give yourself extra grace and kindness as you go through the anniversary of your birth experience.
Sending love to you.
Not sure if you know this or not, but I too had a pretty complicated birth with Hannah as well and I also believe that hospital births are the way to go.When I went in to have her that morning, little did I know or dream that i would end up in ICU with what turned out to be an inverted uterus. I had 9 blood transfusions and ended up on a ventilator after an emergency partial hysterectomy.I am so thankful I was somewhere that I could be immediately taken care of. The best part of my story is that Hannah was fine and had no complications, but she also could have easily have had to grow up without me. I know we don't have the perfect answers and we make decisions the best way we can for our families, but glad I was where I was.