The Scariest Thoughts I’ve Had in my First Year as a Mom
Sliding in at the end of OCD Awareness Week and the beginning of Spooky Season to share my haunting experience with Postpartum OCD
In some ways, I feel like my OCD better prepared for motherhood.
Instead, I’m referring to intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts or images that may get “stuck” in a person’s mind, causing anxiety and stress. It is important to understand that intrusive thoughts are ego-dystonic, meaning that they are the OPPOSITE of a person’s true desires and values.
Everyone has unwanted intrusive thoughts from time to time, but most people are able to brush them off without much strife. However, some populations are more vulnerable to the trap of these sticky thoughts, such as new moms.
In the book Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts (which I would recommend for all new mamas), author Karen Kleiman, MSW cites that “91% of all new mothers (not just mothers with anxiety or depression) experience negative, intrusive thoughts about harm coming to their babies.”
These intrusive thoughts and images are often horrifying and scary to talk about. Because I was diagnosed with OCD and received treatment years before becoming a mom, I was less shocked by these uncomfortable thoughts and felt more equipped to handle them. Rather than spiraling and attaching meaning to the thoughts, I was able to let them go and move on with my day.
I had a lot of alarming thoughts in my first year as a mom. I’m sharing them here so that other new moms feel less alone and can gather the courage to seek help if they need it.
Without further ado, here are some examples of the themes and intrusive thoughts I’ve had:
Thoughts about harming my baby. These are by far the most shocking and alarming thoughts. I think they stem from the knowledge that Margo is so, so vulnerable. She is defenseless against any harm that could come her way, and hurting her would be so easy. There’s a bridge over an inlet near my house that we often walk over, and I’ve often had the thought It would be so easy to throw her off this bridge. This thought terrifies me. Why would I think such a terrible thing? Before my OCD diagnosis and treatment, I would have hated myself for having the thought and beat myself up over it nonstop. But now I know that responding to and engaging with the thoughts only gives them more power. Intrusive thoughts are meaningless. They’re just a byproduct of an active mind.
Other thoughts that I’ve had with this theme:
Suffocating her with a pillow would be so easy
Stabbing her with a kitchen knife
Abuse happening while changing her diaper or giving her a bath
Phew, I have the ick after writing those out. I feel like I need to say this again here - having a thought, or “thinking about something” does NOT mean that you want to act on it. Remember: intrusive thoughts are ego-dystonic, meaning that they are OPPOSITE of how a person really feels and wants to behave. Thoughts are not the same as actions. Having a disgusting thought does not make you a disgusting person.
Moving on to the second theme of thoughts:
Constant worry and visions of accidents happening. Falling down the stairs while holding my baby. The dog attacking her unexpectedly. My baby dying of SIDS. Getting in a car accident and being thrown from the car. My brain produces horrific images of these events and sometimes they’re hard to shake off. But I keep breathing, knowing they will eventually pass. Thoughts are not premonitions, and having an intrusive image does not make something more likely to happen.
And, lastly:
I’m a terrible mom. I don’t deserve to be a mom.
Maybe I should never have become a mom.
My daughter would be so much better without me.
Other people can do this so much better than I can.
Ouch. These thoughts really hit where it hurts, and it’s so easy to get swept up and carried away in endless rumination. It’s important to remember NOT to fight or argue with these thoughts, as they will just take deeper root in your mind and cause increased anxiety and stress.
Thoughts are not facts, and not all thoughts are worth paying attention to. In fact, most thoughts aren’t. Thoughts are meaningless unless WE give them meaning. (And they definitely DON’T mean that you are a bad mom, or that you don’t love your baby).
You do not have to be a victim to your monkey mind. You don’t have to listen to everything that your brain says.
If your intrusive thoughts are impacting your ability to navigate daily life, please reach out to a professional for help. I recommend searching this database for someone who specializes in OCD in your area:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
You could also look for someone who specializes in Postpartum care, like this group:
https://www.momwell.com/
They also have an Instagram account and Podcast.
For basic information about OCD, I highly recommend Alegra Kasten’s account. She is an amazing therapist who shares many free educational resources and occasionally hosts workshops.
You can also read some of my previous posts for more information about OCD and how to get started using mindfulness to detach from intrusive thoughts.
Be well, friends. And as always, please subscribe (if you haven’t already) and share this with someone who needs to read it!