STOP Giving (and Taking) This Piece of Mental Health Advice
Are you guilty of this common pitfall?
Our understanding of mental health as a society has improved dramatically over the years, but we still have so much to learn.
With the rise of social media and the “information age,” there is a lot of misinformation being spread by unqualified sources.
I see many self-proclaimed experts (spiritual leaders, life coaches, health gurus, lifestyle influencers) continuing to spread inaccurate advice on how to “rid yourself” of anxiety / depression / stress / negative thoughts.
One piece of advice that I hear all too often is this:
“You are what you think: you control your thoughts, and your thoughts control your life.”
The message here is that we can combat negative thoughts by just not thinking about them and setting our mind on more “positive” things.
The underlying issue with this is that it puts a lot of emphasis on our thoughts and the content of what we think.
And for people with mental illness, attempting to stop or control the thoughts (and then telling them that your thoughts control your life) can be extremely debilitating.
I struggle with a form of OCD called Intrusive Thoughts. This means that I have unwanted thoughts that do not align with my perceived sense of self. These thoughts have gotten “stuck” in my brain, and the more I fight them, the more distressing they become.
Attempting to “control” my thoughts has hindered my progress and caused a lot of shame and guilt. The thoughts would enter my brain seemingly out of nowhere. I did not want to think about these things, but I couldn’t get them out of my head no matter how hard I tried.
When I finally found the right therapist, she taught me how to separate myself from my thoughts and observe them for exactly what they are: Thoughts.
Thoughts are not things — they are just thoughts.
They are not facts.
They are not threats.
They have no power.
They do not mean anything.
They aren’t “true.”
They aren’t “bad” or “good;” “right” or “wrong.”
They are the product of a normal, healthy, functioning brain.
Your brain thinks; that’s what it does. In the same way that your heart beats, your lungs take in air, and your skin sweats — your mind produces thoughts.
These thoughts might be based on something that you see or experience, but they might not. Either way, they’re just thoughts.
Having negative / unwanted / crazy thoughts does not make me a bad person. Having a thought about something is NOT the same as doing something. Your thoughts do not control your life — your actions do. Just because I think about jumping out of a moving car doesn’t mean that I’m actually going to do it.
And unfortunately, you cannot control these heinous thoughts. Let me prove it to you.
I want you to close your eyes and set a timer for 2 minutes. Whatever you do, DO NOT think about a yellow jeep during this time. Just be still for 2 minutes and do not for any reason allow the thought of a yellow jeep to cross your mind. Go ahead and try it.
How many times did you think about a yellow jeep?
Exactly.
It was likely impossible NOT to think about a yellow jeep. And, you probably thought about the yellow jeep MORE than you would have if I had just not mentioned the yellow jeep at all.
My point being: you cannot control your thoughts. You can’t prevent a certain thought from entering your mind. You don’t necessarily get to choose the thoughts that pop into your head. And, engaging with the thoughts (by trying to make them go away or control them) can make them more frequent and intense.
So, stop with all the advice about controlling our thoughts. I know that it’s well-intentioned, but it can be harmful. And it’s just not true.
Even if you’re not a person that struggles with intrusive thoughts or mental illness, we need to stop spreading this message because it can cause unnecessary shame and guilt.
Here are some examples of this message being promoted on social media. I just did a quick google search and these graphics caught my eye:
“Manage your mind?” What does this even mean? First of all, do you even understand how the mind works? Maybe Pastor Rick is sending a message about what kinds of media you consume? Ok, fine. But the second part about your thoughts controlling your life? Not true.
Again, you cannot control your thoughts. You have between 40,000 and 60,000 thoughts EVERY DAY. Most of the time, you aren’t even aware of these thoughts. How the heck are you supposed to control them all?
Self discipline is great. But it’s impossible to “master” your thoughts. “If you don’t control what you think, you can’t control what you do.” Despite popular belief, your thoughts DO NOT actually control your actions. Case and point: I can have a thought about robbing a bank and not actually do it. Just because I think something does not make it a reality.
Even the most advanced meditation practitioners (think buddhist monks) do not have control over their mind. They have learned how to remain grounded in the present moment and not get carried away by their thoughts, but I am willing to bet that they still have a crazy thought that pops in their brain every once in a while — they just don’t pay that thought any attention.
Similar to the messages above. You can’t actually control your thoughts, and your thoughts do not actually control your life.
This one is more passive aggressive but has the same message; basically implying that your thoughts have some sort of power over you. They don’t!
Again, wrong. You don’t have control over your thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings can enter our brain and body seemingly from out of nowhere. Have you ever just had a day where you feel sad for no apparent reason? Yeah, me too. It’s biological and you can’t just will it to go away!
This one is the worst. If you actively try to stop thinking about something, you will begin fighting with the thought and that will only make it stronger. Additionally, telling someone to “focus on what is going right in their life” can cause an onslaught of shame and self-criticism, because many times, people with mental illness already feel guilty about their negative thoughts / emotions. If ridding mental illness was as simple as thinking positive thoughts, we wouldn’t have so much of it in the world.
In summary:
You cannot control your thoughts.
It’s NORMAL to have negative, unwanted, crazy, or intrusive thoughts that do not align with your sense of self.
These thoughts don’t mean anything and they do not make you a bad person.
Your thoughts do not control your life — your actions do, and you can choose whether you want to act on a thought or not.
And lastly, BE KIND! To yourself and others.