Standing Under a Waterfall
A couple of poems and an update
Lately it feels like I’m standing under a waterfall.
There is beauty here even though it’s hard to see through the torrents of water blurring my vision I try to catch moments & memories in buckets Before they are ripped from my hands by the force of the flow I want to hold on to all the versions of myself and all the versions of my kids as they rain down on me crashing into each other But it’s too much to carry. Time will give me distance from this waterfall I won’t be standing under it forever And one day I wont be able to remember exactly what it was like To be right here And I’ll look into my buckets of memories Collected haphazardly With bits of leaves and twigs and sediment Mixed in And I’ll try to put myself back there & remember what it felt like standing under the waterfall
Life is certainly life-ing these days, as they say. I’ve put off writing this post because there’s just too much to say. During times like these, I usually turn to poems because they’re easier to write and can more accurately depict the chaos that I’m enduring.
Every year around mother’s day, I’m trying to write a poem that gives some insight into what this part of my life looks like– mostly to keep a record for myself because my memory is unreliable. There’s just too much to carry. Hence, why this post is coming late.
Without further ado, here is the 3rd edition of “Snapshots of Motherhood” (crazy that I’ve been a mom for almost 3 years):
Motherhood is Trying and failing to capture moments in words and pictures And imprinting their porcelain smooth soft skin into my memory so I never forget the way it feels cuddled next to mine It's losing things and finding them in random places, like a shoe nestled in a cabinet or a beloved toy in the dog's bed It’s a belly growing for the 3rd time, and doubting my ability to do this all again – but my body is proving me wrong … again It’s physical therapy sessions and shoe inserts and ankle orthotics It’s signing up for gym and soccer shots and swim lessons It’s loading the kids up with “sun-scream” before leaving the house It’s a new car to accommodate 3 kids, and a wagon for the same reason and loading those vehicles down with all the beach or pool necessities … which sometimes feels worth it and sometimes does not It’s the mental load of packing enough snacks and diapers and drinks for everyone and running back into the house multiple times before going anywhere It’s lowering my standards of “healthy eating” to accommodate our weekly rotation of mac & cheese, eggs, chic-fil-a, and pizza dinners Because I just need some things to be easy It’s constantly expecting the unexpected - like a snake at the splash pad It’s feeling so overstimulated and touched out, but somehow lonely at the same time It’s constantly falling behind and finding the strength to keep going when there’s no one to cheer for you It’s runny noses in spring time and stopping to smell the flowers at my toddler’s request It’s watching my kids play (and fight) together, which is really my favorite part of parenting so far It’s noticing how different they are and how much they need each other to balance their energy, and thinking how much better our world could be if we all had that perspective It’s new words and “uh oh” and silly games and reading the same books and watching the same shows over and over It’s constantly learning and allowing my heart to be broken open in new ways, growing and evolving every day It’s dealing with new fears - theirs and mine It’s potty training fails and battles for control And realizing – again – how much is beyond my control It’s oscillating between extreme gratitude and love for my life, and extreme despair and overwhelm because it feels unmanageable It’s fielding tone-deaf comments and unhelpful “advice” And reminding myself to breathe Deep And tune out all the noise To remember what matters most So that I can be a safe space for my babies Because as my toddler says: "We all need to breathe."
If you enjoy these poems, you’ll probably also love
’ Substack — she has been such an inspiration to me lately.One last note– my latest essay for Business Insider is out, and it’s all about my experience with daycare:
Moms often have a hard time asking for help for various reasons. I wanted to share my story to put a positive spin on daycare and reduce some of the shame and stigma attached. In truth, I’m a better mom because of daycare. I couldn’t do this on my own, especially with my husband being gone so much. Chasing 2 toddlers around while being pregnant sucks the life out of me. I’m so thankful for the support system that I’ve found through our child care center. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty darn good – and that’s enough for me.
The intro got slightly changed during editing, but here are the original first 2 paragraphs of my essay. You can follow the link below to read the published version:
Despite its popularity, the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” doesn’t seem to hold much weight these days. With the rise of intensive parenting and emphasis on the nuclear family, raising kids without community has become normalized. Single-family homes with one primary caregiver have become the ideal. Moms in particular face even greater expectations to do everything and be everything for their kids, often at the expense of their own health and well-being.
The individualism baked into American culture makes it difficult for moms to seek and receive aid– both government-funded and otherwise. In the military community, this “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality is even more prevalent. Which, in part, explains why I had such a hard time asking for help after my first daughter was born.
Read the full essay here!
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Ahhh!!! Thank you so much for the shout out 🥹 means the world 🫶