As I attempt to write my first substantial post of the new year, baby #2 kicks in my belly and baby #1 naps upstairs. I’m wondering how to focus my energies with my limited time.
I have so many ideas for things I want to write, from kids books to longform content, but here I sit, struggling to pull myself away from researching vision boards and wall calendars that promise to help me get organized, knowing full well they won’t– as proven by the drawer full of unused planners sitting next to me. I really should go through that. Just like I should finally organize the kitchen cabinets and de-clutter the closets upstairs. It’s all on the never ending to-do list.
It’s a new year, but I’m dealing with the same old stuff. The same old me.
Before I found out that I was pregnant with my second baby, I considered going on medication to help with my loosely diagnosed ADHD. Unfortunately, most of those medications are contraindicated by my OCD/anxiety medication. And then, woops, I’m pregnant again. Let the scatterbrain continue.
When I returned to work this week (my SLP job that pays for childcare) I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach— more than the post-holiday blues. I think it has to do with all of these expectations that we place on ourselves for the new year, or at least, the general cultural attitude shifts toward productivity, goal setting, and changing habits.
But nothing will change for me right now. I have no goals of running a marathon or even publishing a book this year– even though I’d really like to. No. For me, 2024 will be about survival. It will include a 3rd trimester of pregnancy while chasing a toddler around, birthing a second baby, recovering from a c-section, and integrating that new baby into our family. It will be similar to this past year in many ways, with me scrambling to get things done, falling behind on paperwork, forgetting appointments, and maybe scrapping some pieces of writing together in the margins.
I left 2023 with a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, I have so much gratitude– for my family, mostly, and how we have navigated this past year of deployments and baby-raising. On the other hand, I feel a deep sense of disappointment.
I’m beginning this year with a mountain of overdue paperwork and a growing pile of rejection letters. I have spent many hours (hours that I should have used to catch up on that documentation) on pitches that were rejected from publications. I’m still in the process of submitting some of them elsewhere, but honestly, it’s so draining. Yet, I keep going because the possibility of a “yes” is too enticing. And I do love the writing of course, but how long can a love for something sustain you when that love is not reciprocated?
It reminds me of how I felt about being a mom at first. I loved my baby, but she didn’t really love me back. She couldn’t. All she did was need and take from me. Now that she’s 15 months old and giving hugs and kisses, the caregiver burden doesn’t feel quite as heavy. I’m finally getting some love in return.
I’m not implying that love and relationships are transactional. I’m merely trying to point out that a relationship with all give and no take is imbalanced and unsustainable. I wonder how long a person can keep going before they give up, or at least invest that time and energy elsewhere.
Some days, I feel stretched so thin between care-giving, working, writing, managing my home, and taking care of myself. I know these feelings are not uncommon for new moms, but still. I’m starting this year a bit worn down, and I’m not sure how to reconcile that, other than trying to be kind and stop “should-ing” myself.
I should deep clean the house
I should finally submit that query letter
I should update my book proposal
I should earn more money
I should look for a new job
I should start a different project
I should eat healthier
I should go to sleep earlier
I should wake up earlier
I should stop getting so distracted
I should spend more quality time with my daughter
I should make a vision board
I should …
I should …
I should …
The ‘shoulds’ go on and on. And they make me feel like crap.
I read an article a while back about how we should (haha) abandon the word ‘should’ from our vocabulary. “Should” takes us out of the present moment, and out of reality entirely. Rather than being helpful or motivating, “shoulding” yourself is judgmental and guilt-inducing.
In order to shift our thoughts and feelings, we first need to shift our language. And before we can do that, we need to distinguish between the things that we think we should do (which are sometimes based in comparison and other people’s expectations), the things we actually want to to, and the things we need to do.
For example: “I should earn more money” and “I should eat healthier” are, in fact, not things that I truly want or need to do. They are just guilt traps imposed on me by society.
Instead of “I should wake up earlier,” I can say “I want to go to bed and wake up earlier so that I have a little more time for my writing.”
Switching from “I should deep-clean my house” to “I need to deep clean my house,” or “I will deep clean my house” or “I choose to deep clean my house” gives me a bit more agency and makes me feel empowered rather than shamed.
One more thing that I’m reminding myself as we start this new year is that I don’t need to implement big, sweeping changes in order to make progress on my goals. The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy discusses this at length. The little, seemingly insignificant things that we do on a regular basis add up over time.
Every day, I have the opportunity to cast a vote for the type of person that I want to be. Some days, that vote might only amount to a small drop in the bucket. But as time goes on, those drops will add up.
So that is my hope. I’m not in a position to make big changes or set lofty goals with time limits/constraints this year. I’m setting my sights on the short term and putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that eventually I’ll get to the place that I want to be, even if it doesn't all happen in 2024.
As I wrap up this post, I want to share my guiding mantras for the coming year (and this season of life in general):
I want to be a fully-present parent, spouse, and friend as much as possible.
I want to be a writer who enjoys the process and remains unattached to the outcome.
It is important to create time and space for the things that fuel me.
I choose to improve my organization so that my household can function better.
I give myself permission to ask for what I need, even if it seems inconvenient.
What I want and desire matters.
I live my life and make decisions according to my chosen values and priorities.
I am capable of handling whatever challenges this new year throws at me.
Feel free to write your own mantras or steal some of mine. Wishing you the best January possible, and I’ll be back in your inbox soon!
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